THE OLDTIME YULETIDE ADVENT CALENDAR - Day 24

Welcome dear friends back to the Hypnogoria Old-time Yuletide Advent Calendar! So then, dear friends, we reach the final door of our Advent Calendar! Behind which hides two final letters! 

Now then, next up we have the letter Y. Now I did consider allocating this letter to the Yule or the Yule Log, but we have already talked of both, and so I have opted for the more obscure, but much tastier and intriguing Yorkshire Christmas Pie. 

Of course, we are all familiar with the concept of Christmas pies, whether the one Jack Horner in the corner was tucking into, or those tempting festive favourites, the mince pie. However the Yorkshire Christmas Pie was perhaps the pinnacle of festive baking, fusing together several generations of Christmas dining in one delicious pastry case. 

Now this dish had its heyday in the 18th and 19th centuries and sometimes was known as a celebration pie, a trunk pie or a stand pie. And the Yorkshire Christmas pie gained these sobriquets because it was a very special pie, baked just to celebrate Christmas and it was indeed the size of a large piece of luggage. In fact, they were baked to be absolutely air-tight so they could be shipped all around the country for Yuletide. 

And what was special about these Yorkshire Christmas pies was that they contained basically a super roast dinner inside, in which the centrepiece was several different birds stuffed and roasted one inside the other. Here’s an original recipe published in The Art of Cookery, Made Plain and Easy by Hannah Glasse, in 1747 

First make a good standing crust, let the wall and bottom be very thick; bone a turkey, a goose, a fowl, a partridge, and a pigeon, Season them all very well, take half an ounce of mace, half an ounce of nutmegs, a quarter of an ounce of cloves, and half an ounce of black-pepper, all beat fine together, two large spoonfuls of salt, and then mix them together. Open the fowls all down the back, and bone them; first the pigeon, then the partridge; cover them; then the fowls then the goose, and then the turkey, which must be large; season them all well first, and lay them in the crust, so as it, will look only like a whole turkey; then have a hare ready cased, and wiped with a clean cloth. Cut it to pieces, that is, joint it; season it, and lay it as close as you can on one side; on the other side woodcocks, moor game, and what sort of wild-fowl you can get. Season them well, and lay them close; put at least four pounds of butter into the pie, then lay on your lid, which must be a very thick one, and let it be well baked. It must have a very hot oven, and will take at least four hours. This crust will take a bushel of flour. These pies are often sent to London in a box, as presents; therefore, the walls must be well built.

Sadly there is no vegetarian option. And given the amount of wildlife in that pie, I am reconsidering my own dietary choices, to be honest! There’s a small aviary in that pie! However, I think we may all take comfort in the fact that no matter how much we over indulge this Christmas, our excesses will seem poultry, I mean, paltry compared to the gargantuan gluttony of a Yorkshire Christmas Pie! 

So then, to our final letter, and perhaps the most challenging of all, Z. So what could Z stand for? Well, there is the German festive decoration the Zwetschgenmännle, little figures made from prunes sold in German Christmas markets. The Zwetschgenmännle come in many different designs, gnomes ,devils, angels, sweeps, lovers, and are said to bring good luck, echoing an old German saying “if you have plums in the house, you will never run out of money”. 

However they are perhaps a little obscure! So then, instead I shall say Z stands for “zzz” that classic comic-book noise for sleeping. For tonight is Christmas Eve, when we should all be tucked in bed early so Father Christmas can come and drop off the presents. Of course, the ironic fact is few of us will be either in bed or asleep early tonight! 

As children, it is almost impossible to sleep knowing that Santa is on the way, and many a child will be up very late, ears straining for the sound of sleigh bells or hooves on the roof. However for us grown-ups, we are often up way too late too, for despite our best intentions there always seems to be one more little job to do for the Christmas Day preparations. All too often somehow there always one present still to wrap up,  or some prep work for Christmas dinner that needs to be done just before bed. 

However this year, I hope that all goes well and all will be done in time to sit and unwind and enjoy the magic of Christmas Eve. And indeed I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas and I hope this little advent calendar has brought a little more magic to your Yuletide festivities. And so on that note, I wish a merry Christmas to all and to all a goodnight! 

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THE OLDTIME YULETIDE ADVENT CALENDAR - Day 17

Welcome dear friends back to the Hypnogoria Old-time Yuletide Advent Calendar! Today we throw open Door 18 and have a root about in the cupboard marked Q. And I bet you are expecting the cupboard to be bare! 

Well, there are a couple of notable Christmas Qs and so we will do both. Firstly in the UK,  there was the Queen’s Speech. More properly known as the Royal Christmas Message, this broadcast from Her Majesty was more commonly known as the Queen on Christmas Day, and like it or not, was traditionally part of the festivities for many families. For in favourable, everyone had at least one relative round who was an ardent Royalist and hence at three o’clock in the afternoon there was a little lull, while the Queen presented her message to the nation. 

And while for many of us when growing up this was The Time I Got Told Off On Christmas Day For Playing With the Noisy Toys I had Literally Just Got Thank You Very Much, over the years, now we are grown up, we look back fondly on the Queen’s Christmas message, those rare moments when the whole family sat quietly for a bit. And with Her Majesty’s passing earlier this year, many of us can’t help feeling that Christmas Day just won’t be the same without her. 

However there is also another Q associated with Christmas, and one that brings us back to the subject of forgotten festive fare. For Q can also stand for quince! The quince is golden yellow fruit and resembles a cross between an apple and a pear. They are highly aromatic and have a mellow citrus taste. However they have somewhat fallen out of favour in the modern age as quinces cannot be eaten raw. The flesh must first be softened by simmering or roasting, reduced to what used to be called a quidany. And the prepared flesh can then be used in a variety of dishes or made into marmalades or jams. 

And as the quince comes into season between October and December, in times past it was favourite for Christmas fare, with quince pies and tarts being particular favourites. Also a quince jam known as membrillo was a popular accompaniment for cheeses. If you fancy reviving the quince as part of your own festive fare, here is a recipe for quince marmalade from The Compleat Housewife published 1736. 

‘Pare and core a pound of quince, and strain out the juice; to every pound of quince take ten spoonful's of that juice, and three-quarters of a pound of loaf-sugar; put all into your preserving-pan, cover it close, and let it stew over a gentle fire two hours; when ’tis of an orange-red, uncover and boil it up as fast as you can: when of a good colour, break it as you like it, give it a boil, and pot it up.’ 

And so then you will have an aromatic, citrus-y marmalade that smells and tastes of Christmas to accompany other dishes or to scoop into pastries to make quince tarts. 

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THE OLDTIME YULETIDE ADVENT CALENDAR - Day 06

Welcome dear friends back to the Hypnogoria Old-time Yuletide Advent Calendar! We have reached Door 6 and the letter F. And what does F stand for? Frumenty! And no, that’s not a mediaeval rude word!  Actually Frumenty was a popular Yuletide dish of yesteryear, and today we will learn all about it and some other forgotten festive foods! 

Now frumenty is believed to be one of the old dishes in British cuisine, and was part of traditional Christmas fare for many centuries. In 1676, Poor Robin’s Almanack says “and lastly, who would but praise it, because of Christmas, when good cheer doth so abound, as if all the world were made of minced pies, plum-pudding, and frumenty”. It remained a very popular dish in Victorian times with references to frumenty appearing Thomas Hardy’s The Mayor of Casterbridge and Lewis Carroll’s Through The Looking Glass. Indeed it is only in the 20th century that it fell from favour and vanished from our tables. 

But what was frumenty? Well, it was a sort of wheat porridge, which could be either a sweet or a savoury dish. Wheat was ground up in a mortar, and then slowly boiled until soft. Then the wheat was mixed and simmered in milk either from almonds or cows, and thickened with egg yolks. Then other ingredients could be added - for sweet versions, almonds, currants, saffron were popular additions, while savoury incarnations might add chopped vegetables, and be served with venison or mutton. 

In fact, frumenty, whether sweet or savoury, was often served with venison, which was also a popular Christmas meat. Now we tend to think of the Christmas dinner as being very traditional, however over the years, what has been on the table has changed frequently! To begin with going right back to pagan winter solstice celebrations such as Yule, wild boar was the main dish of the day. And indeed, boar’s head was a festive favourite for many centuries, as commemorated in the Boar’s Head Carol. However venison and other game, such as hare were popular too. 

In Tudor times, a favourite main dish was peacock, roasted and daubed with saffron butter. However unlike our modern turkeys, it was not plucked, rather it was skinned and the roast bird sewn back in so that the peacock would come to the table in all its feathered finery. Of course not everyone could afford a peacock, and hence for many centuries goose was the bird gracing many a family Christmas table. And while turkeys from the New World were first introduced to England in the mid 16th century, it would take a long time before this turkey would displace the goose as the Christmas bird. Even in Victorian times the goose was the king of the Christmas table, and turkey was still festive fare for the only rich. For it is a goose that the Cratchits are preparing in A Christmas Carol, first published in 1843, and the reformed Scrooge shares his wealth by sending Bob and his family a prize turkey.  While in late Victorian times, the Sherlock Holmes story, The Adventure of The Blue Carbuncle, first published in 1892, features a goose bought for a Christmas dinner. 

Hence the turkey dinner that we think of as being traditional only really begins to become commonplace in the 20th century. However, interestingly, its usual garnish of cranberry sauce had long been a Christmas staple, even before turkey reached our shores. For cranberry sauce had long been a regular at a Christmas dinner, originally being a popular addition to venison, and that forgotten festive favourite, frumenty! 

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THE 'ORRIBLE 'OUSE OF TERRIBLE OLD TAT - Horror Bags Giveaways Galore (Part III)

Welcome once again dear fiends to the 'Orrible 'Ouse of Terrible Old Tat! Over the last few weeks we have been exploring the spooky world of Horror Bags, the snacks that went crunch in the night! This range of crisps from the mid 1970s carved out a place in our hearts, but also an eerie empire of their own monstrous merchandise! And in this visit to the archives of the 'Orrible Ouse we are going to take a look at the bestest items Dracula ever offered!

As we have already seen, Horror Bags seemingly always had some mail-order offer going, which followed the then traditional format of collect so many empty bags, plus sometimes a small sum of pocket money, to get the latest proffered ghoulish goodies. However a few packets and a handful of loose change went a long way back in the 1970s... or possibly the ghouls in charge of the Horror Bags merch has miscalculated the exchange rate between the UK and Transylvania. Anyhow, whichever way it was, there was some top-notch tat up for grabs for very little indeed.

And it should also be noted that the gruesome gifts offered by Horror Bags were especially created for the range - it was all bespoke stuff, no shifting of cheaply acquired leftover stock here! A perfect example is the Serpents and Stairs game. Now this marvellously macabre board game, which could be yours for just three empty bags and 30p, was obviously just a horror-themed version of that old family favourite, Snakes And Ladders. But what a gloriously ghoulish redesign it was! Not bad at all for a third of a quid and some litter!

However other giveaways were even more elaborate. The Fiendish Faces kit was a wonderfully simple idea that offered hours of eerie entertainment and imaginative play. Basically the kit consisted of a cadaverous but blank face and a large bag of assorted eyes, noses, eyebrows, lips and fangs. And the idea was that you could create your gruesome ghouls by combining different fearsome features. As I said, a simple concept but one that delivered hours of fiendish fun. And I should know, for although I  never got my grubby little mitts on this particular giveaway, I did have Remus playlist that was very similar - however thanks to the said playkit being too obscure to date, I can't say who borrowed the concept off who.

But perhaps the best ghastly gift offered by Horror Bags was the Identi-Kit game - again yours for just a few wrappers and thirty of your earth pence. And unlike the previous two ghoulish giveaways, this appeared to be a wholly original game. In it were six familiar fiends - the Wolfman, a Skeleton, Dracula, Dracula's Bride, the Mummy, and Frankenstein's Monster. However each of them had sadly suffered a horrific fate - they had been chopped into six pieces. So then, each player got a gravestone to make a tomb, and all the monster body part cards were shuffled into a deck. On your go, you drew a card and tried and reassemble one of the monsters on your tomb... Something that was not quite as easy as it sounded in play.

Again, the concept was a simple one but beautifully executed, and it was a great looking little game that had straightforward rules, challenging gameplay and a great theme and atmosphere. Things that was often very lacking in other board games that cost much much more... Yes, Tank Command I am looking at you! In fact, it a shame that Drac and co., or at least the suits at Smiths hadn't taken the bolder move and had all these marvellous games available in the shops. For with great games like these sold for real pocket money prices, Horror Bags could certainly have given the big boys at Ideal, Denys Fisher and MB a run for their money.

Indeed it is still somewhat surprising to me that given the popularity of the range, Horror Bags were somewhat abruptly phased out. And while their successor to the snacks crown is still around today, even the mighty Monster Munch never boasted such a marvellous array of macabre merchandise and mail-order magic. But you never know, some one might one day resurrect the brand. Let's face it, there a whole range of snacks with the marketing and merch already planned out just waiting to return to the shelves. Plus of course, traditionally Dracula never stays dead in his coffin too long...

THE 'ORRIBLE 'OUSE OF TERRIBLE OLD TAT - Horror Bags Giveaways Galore (Part II)

Hello dear fiends and welcome back to the 'Orrible 'Ouse of Terrible Old Tat, a place where your collection of old crisp packets are history - and not in a Mum's just binned them way! This week we are continuing our exploration of the legendary snacks that went cruch in the night, the Horror Bags range from Smiths Crisps. Flourishing for a few marvellous spooky years in the mid 1970s, Horror Bags were a smash hit, and spawned an eerie empire of their own macabre mail order merchandise which you could only get your grubby little mitts on by sending in empty packets (and a smidge of pocket money sometimes). And what was on offer was very good indeed! Last time we looked at the standard stuff - the expected cards, t-shirts and bags, but this time we are looking at the more outre items that were only a mere 28 days for delivery away!  

The Grizzly Growler

Now the 1970s was not only the home decade of Horror Bags but also the golden age of the 7 inch single, and so it perhaps not surprising that records were a common free gift back then. Now obviously slabs of vinyl weren't quite cheap enough to just give away, but that was why the flexi disc was invented. For those of you blessed with enough youth not to remember the days when vinyl was king, a flexi disc was a floppy circle of plastic that had a groove printed on it, and essentially were an ultra-light weight, and hence also ultra-cheap, way of making a single. Now Horror Bags actually did two of these. Or rather it would seem the same disc was released twice. As far as I can tell, one version was a flexi that proclaimed it featured the sound of bats, and was somewhat confusing marketed as the Grizzly Growler mask. Yes, I know bats don't growl. 

To add further bewilderment, the mask wasn't a mask but an admittedly rather nice cardboard print of a snarling vampire which glowed in the dark. And just to muddy the waters even further, the flexi disc that came with it was also reissued later sans the non-mask. However the fun does not end there, for at least one version, if not both judging from some arrows on the packaging, featured the novel innovation that you didn't even need a record player to enjoy this spooky sonics. For each sleeve came with a tiny stylus built-in, so that you could spin the disc yourself by whirling the flexi around with your fingers. Yes, by all accounts it did sound as horrible as you imagine... 

Rather easier on the ears, were a couple of ranges of novelty items that were heavily promoted with tie-ins with popular British comics. In April 1976, if you were to pick up a copy of long running weekly humour comic Whoopee! you could get hold of a Horror Bags Gripper! And what in the name of Frank Windsor was a Gripper I hear you cry? Well, it was a spring-loaded clip, in the shape of a creepy claw, a spooky skull or a bitey version of the Horror Bags Dracula, that well, gripped things.

I am not sure what exactly they were meant to grip - there was vague talk of using them as ad hoc decorations or bookmarks, but personally I suspect much Gripper action involved minor attacks on the flesh of younger siblings, classmates and family pets. And if you didn't get the free one with Whoopee! you could get the full set of three by sending in 3 empty bags and the princely sum of 10p! Bargain! 

In a similar vein, and promoted in a similar fashion were the Creepy Clutchers! These were little printed plastic cards featuring versions of famous monsters on them, with a slot in them so they could be employed as once again as bookmarks and decorations. And while they presently no real risk of nipping any passing target, they were far more impressive visually, with lovely painted renditions of iconic creatures from the horror movies. And, as you can see below, several were clearly based on the old Universal monsters. There were six in the range - Dracula, the Mummy, the Wolfman, Frankenstein's Monster, a Vampire Bat, and a Witch (although an ad I found does show an alternate design featuring a skeletal ghoul). 

However the wrinkle here was that the offer was for a trio of these Creepy Clutchers, for 3 bags plus 10p. So then, if you wanted the entire set, you had to eat more Horror Bags in order to send off twice! And to promote this offer, you got one free with an issue of another long-running comedy comic Buster. 

But as creepy and cool as all this swag was, they weren't the best that Horror Bags had to offer! Next time we will take a look at the very coolest mail-order merch that came direct from Dracula's Castle! Or at least the one located suspiciously close to Smiths HQ...  

THE 'ORRIBLE 'OUSE OF TERRIBLE OLD TAT - Horror Bags Giveaways Galore (Part I)

Hello dear fiends! And welcome back to the 'Orrible 'Ouse of Terrible Old Tat! Now then, over the last few weeks we've been nibbling away at some spooky snacks from the 1970s - the Horror Bags range from Smiths Crisps! And while these creepy crunchables only were around for four years or so, they spawned a whole empire of macabre merchandise which little horrors could get their grubby paws on by sending in empty packets from Fangess, Bones, Claws, Ribs and Bats! So then, hold on to your hats as we take a whistle-stop tour through all their gloriously gruesome giveaways! (Well at least all the ones I've been able to find... there may be more lurking out there!) 

The range launched with Fangs (cheese and onion) and Bones (salt and vinegar) and in late 1974 there was an offer to send away from a free Dracula mask! Yes, by posting off six packets - and especially for the hard of thinking, they deliberately mentioned in the blurb that they had to be empty packets - you'd get a Dracula mask. Or to be exact, a mask of the top hatted Horror Bags version of Dracula who fronted the range.

Now the mask was pretty cool, but this was only the beginning! For many more ghoulish giveaways would follow, and would grow steadily more ambitious. For example, another early give-away was an iron-on T-shirt transfer offer that again featuring our top hatted fiend's features, but later on a similar offer delivered a proper printed shirt - yours for only 4 bags and the princely sum of 69p. And clearly the Horror Bags Dracula was a hit with the kids as he would feature on a great many of these giveaway items.

His grinning features would adorn a rather nifty bag. This was a drawstring knapsack kind of affair, and was apparently very well made, for quite a few seem to have survived in excellent condition! He would also pop up on a toothbrush, an appropriate but perhaps not terrible exciting item for a range of crisps that included Fangs. The packet tried its best to talk this giveaway up - the brush had a head made by "HALEX" whatever in the name of Cliff that was*, but this one was ultimately probably more appealing to grown-ups than kids. However for 4 empty packets and 25p you couldn't really go wrong. 

Far more exciting was the Dracula Hand Puppet offer (4 bags plus 50p). Admittedly it turned out to be neither a marionette or a glove puppet - rather it was the most humble of the puppet family, a sock puppet, but the design was nice and the packet had pictured the puppet so you knew what you were getting. Also in the cheap but fun category, Horror Bags knew that kids loved puzzles, cards and stickers and hence there were a range of smaller giveaways that were simple but packed with ghoulish delights. 

There was the Horrid Picture Cards set. For sending in just 3 bags, you got a set of six cards each with a suitably spooky picture on the front and a story about Dracula on the back. But the fun thing was that the cards all joined up to make one huge eerie illustration with a massive skull on it! Obviously very cool, for as any school kid will tell you, as massive skulls are always very cool, der brain. 

Equally simple but also cunningly elaborate was the Shivers Stickers set - yours for 3 bags and 28p. Now these were not quite your usual paper with gum on the back affairs, for these were designed for sticking in unusual places! There were spooky cobwebs, spiders and staring eyes that stuck on windows, and for even more gruesome fun there were what the adverts termed "Ghastly Gashes" (stop laughing at the back!) and vampire bite puncture holes to stick on yourself in a primitive horror make-up fashion! 

Rounding off this do and make section of giveaways was the Horror Bags Fungames Set. Now this was a chunky folder jam-packed with goodies. There were two masks - a Dracula one, doubtless identical to the one given away in the earlier offer, but also a rather fabulous Frankenstein mask too.

There were several sheets featuring stuff to do and make, such as a hanging bat mobile and a set of cards to cut out to making a matching pairs game. And there were quizzes and puzzles too. Admittedly these weren't terribly taxing, the little girl always quickly escaped the Baron for example, but they looked cool. 

Best of all though was the Glow-in-the-dark Castle Poster. Now actually this was two posters - one showed a crumbling castle but had lots of doors and windows cut in that you could open. The second poster showed assorted ghosts, ghouls and monsters faffing about. However - and this is the clever bit - you put the castle poster over the monster one, and so when you opened the doors or windows you could see the 'orrible beings that dwelt inside. And hence you had a sort of spooky version of an advent calendar. 

Now the glow-in-the-dark bit was perhaps a tad misleading as these posters did not involve the usual phosphorescent or luminous paint, rather you made the windows light up yourself. The pack presented two methods of doing so - firstly you could put the posters together and hanging them in front of a torch or lamp (not hugely practical really), or you could stick the posters onto a window (a more practical option but not so popular with parents who insist on worrying about stupid things like marks on glass rather than the important things in life such as ghosts and monsters glowing). 

Anywho, which ever way you did it, it actually worked rather well. I know it sounds lame - and indeed I even thought that when I received this set in the post as a kid - but the clever folks at Horror Bags had ensured the posters were exactly the correct thickness, so that when they were put together, they did block out light. But the second poster was also thin enough on its own so that when you opened the windows and doors of the castle the scenes inside would light up rather nicely. Completely brilliant! Or at least it was for the brief time Mum allowed me to stick it to the window...

Sadly my Fungames kit poster is long gone, but here's another creepy puzzle instead that features a little version of the same castle... 

Next time, yet more ghoulish giveaways, looking at the most luxurious of all the Horror Bags tat!

* actually a venerable but now defunct makers of plastic and bakelite items apparently - see here 

THE 'ORRIBLE 'OUSE OF TERRIBLE OLD TAT - Ghoulish Giveaways!

Welcome once again dear fiends to the 'Orrible 'Ouse of Terrible Old Tat! Last week we were celebrating the weird and wonderful world of Horror Bags, a range of macabre snacks made by Smiths Crisps back in the mid 1970s.  Now although this line of spooky snacks only lasted a handful of years - launching in 1974, but not surviving to the 1980s - while they were on the shelves, they were hugely popular. And a sign of how well-loved they were is the plethora of related tat they spawned.

Promotional items have long formed part of the marketing of many foods, in particular those that are aimed at children. The classic template has remained unchanged for decades - collect so many tokens or wrappers and send them off to get a free gift. Well, they say free, but in reality there was often a token amount of money involved too i.e. send off ten wrappers and a cheque or postal order for £1.99 to get your free Marketing Tat-o-tron! Anyhow, this kind of give-away offer was very popular back in the 1970s, a time when shopping by mail was exciting and rare, rather than the default as it is now. And while these items were often of the funny for five minutes type and were destined to end up in the bin very quickly, back then it was massively exciting to get something through the post, particularly you couldn't get anywhere else. Indeed, one of the most powerful tag-lines wielded by marketing departments in the 1970s was "not available in any shop!". Team up that line with a time limit, such as "send in before..."  or "only available until...", and you had a powerful formula for boosting your sales, and perhaps harvesting some additional pocket money too. It worked time and time again, even though it often took a ruddy age for the goodies to actually arrive - for "Please allow 28 days for delivery" was the dreaded line of small print in such offers.

Now this kind of promotional giveaway was a common feature with breakfast cereals aimed at kids, something that continues to this very day. However even in the golden age of collect and send in offers, for other food related brands such as sweets and crisps, they were more occasional. Usually they turned up when a new line was launched - with adverts on the telly sometimes, but more often in the pages of popular comics - or when a new flavour or variant was added to the range. Therefore the nature and frequency of such promotions was a very good gauge of how much traction assorted brands actually had. A send-in giveaway that would net you some merch that tied-in to some popular TV or film, or famous pop star or sportsman, showed that the brand was big enough in the playground to be seen as an effective form of marketing. However a product doing collect-and-send-ins for tat featuring its own brand showed that it was an even strong line. It was big enough not to need to hitch its wagon to other properties in the mediasphere, big enough to star in its own promotions as it were.Now Horror Bags started off in the usual fashion, with the earliest packets of Fangs and Bones running an offer for a free Dracula mask in late 1974.

However this item was just the first of a long line of ghoulish goodies that took an maddening 28 days for delivery. And over the years, Horror Bags did a massive amount of these giveaways - at least 15 by my count (and a few more may well have slipped under our nostalgia radar too). And given that they were only really on the shelves for around four years, it would appear that not only were they constantly running these giveaways, but also (according to my back of beermat mathematics) they were running these offers pretty much quarterly! What's more, all these giveaways were for Horror Bags related merch, with not one being done as a tie-in to some other popular property du jour! And that may well be some sort of record! Indeed, the only brand that seemed to run as many send-in-giveways was Trebor's Double Agents... but that's a story for another day! 

However all of this does leave us with a trickier question - why did Horror Bags disappear if they were so successful?  Well, it would seem that they were killed off to make way for a new rising star in the crisp world. For in 1977, Smiths decided to launch another horror themed snack - Monster Munch. And while Horror Bags gained a new flavour (and shape) in the form of Bats in 1978, at some point in the late 1970s it was decided that the line had had its day, and all future spooky snackery would be Monster Munch shaped. Possibly this was one of the many ripples in the great dank pond of pop culture caused by George Lucas dropping in a large rock named Star Wars.

For while spooky stuff had been very popular with kids in the 1970s, now the future looked scifi flavoured and possibly it was felt that as the fluffy creatures fronting Monster Munch weren't steeped in the macabre and the gothic, they could pass of the kind of weird aliens that populated the Cantina Bar. Indeed, if memory serves, the early telly ads for Monster Munch implied they lived on a planet of puppet monsters. But whatever the reason, Horror Bags disappeared from the shelves, while Monster Munch continues to thrive to this very day.

But even the mighty Monster Munch didn't have quite as many giveaways in its early years as its elder brother Horror Bags! And next time, we will be presenting the fun and freaky items that sending off empty packets of Fangs, Bones, Claws, Ribs, and Bats could net you!  

THE 'ORRIBLE 'OUSE OF TERRIBLE OLD TAT - Bags of Horror!

Welcome once again dear fiends to the 'Orrible 'Ouse of Terrible Tat! Come in, come in! That's right, just step over those dropped aitches! Now then guys and ghouls, in recent trips exploring the crapalcade of dodgy delights in the 'Orrible 'Ouse, we've been looking at some of the stranger and spookier ice lollies produced in the 1970s. And as we remarked at the time, the '70s saw a real boom in scary stuff aimed at kids, with Count Dracula happily hawking blood-red lollies to the ankle-biters! However it wasn't just ice cold snacks that could chill the blood of a hungry 1970s kid. Vampirism is, as we all know, a highly contagious disease, and true to form, it had soon infected other munchable goodies! 

Now one of the oldest makers of crunchy delights, was Smiths Crisps, established by Frank Smith and Jim Viney in a garage in Cricklewood not long after the First World War. Early on, Smith bought out Viney's shares in the business, and in the 1930s had even established itself in Australia too. Now their stock-in trade was crisps (that means chips to most of you outside the UK) and other crunchy snacks. Now for decades the crisp market was largely dominated by different companies jockeying for position by releasing, and indeed in some cases inflicting, allegedly exciting new flavours on an unsuspecting public. However despite short-lived flavours such as tomato ketchup, Bovril or even hedgehog (yes, that did happen) being unleashed you couldn't really beat the old favourites such as ready salted, salt and vinegar, and cheese and onion. But in the 1970s, crisp making technology entered an exciting new era when machines were devised that could mould pulped potato and maize into any shape you desired.

And hence we had a new wave of savoury snacks that made the traditional vaguely round and crinkled crisp look rather boring! There were now crisps in the shapes of hoops, squares, balls and tubes, all of which were happily scoffed by a greedy public. And more exotic shapes were to follow - crisps shaped like tanks, spaceships and even zodiac signs! Now to be honest, such high concept snacks only really looked like a child's crayon drawing of the object they were meant to resemble, but at the time we didn't really care. For the novelty of the very concept of munching on an edible tank, for a time at least, outgunned the deficiency of the often lumpy shapes formed by the moulding and frying process. And hence, once that novelty was exhausted, the brand often quietly disappeared...

However if you could match an appealing marketing angle to a decent snack shape, you could perhaps create a classic snack. Now Smiths had indeed messed about with a variety of novelty shaped snacks before they struck gold. Possibly noting the rip-roaring success of the Dracula themed lolly produced Lyons Maids, in 1975 they made a bid to bring edible horror to the crisp market. Now in the lesser hands, this concept of going monster could well have fizzled out like so many other novelty shaped snacks. However Smiths were thinking not only big but clever too. To begin with, they picked concepts that could be turned into shapes that would not end up an abstract blob after frying, and actually still look like what they were supposed too. Secondly they had the smart idea of not just doing one new brand but building an entire range. And indeed, that brand would would go on to be become a legend!

Launching in late 1974, Smiths unleashed Horror Bags upon the world. Featuring a comedy vampire as their mascot, Horror Bags came initially in two delightfully ghoulish flavours, and - now pay attention for this was the really clever bit - each flavour came in a different macabre shape! Firstly there were Fangs, which were as I'm sure you have all guessed, maize moulded into the shape of vampiric teeth and flavoured cheese and onion. And the real genius of this design was that you could pop these crisps into your gob just like the plastic fangs you got from joke shops - yes, a snack AND a vampire dress-up prop too! But if cheese and onion wasn't your thing, there were Bones! These snacks really did look like little bones in a bag and provided spooky salt and vinegar flavoured fun, although sadly you could not assemble your own snack-sized skeleton from them.

Horror bags were an instant success, and so Smiths expanded the range. Soon Fangs and Bones were joined by Ribs ("Vampire Vinegar Flavour") and Claws (bacon flavour). And in 1978 Bats flapped into the Horror Bags family, which were advertised as being "batburger" flavour which I recall tasted suspiciously beefy.

But not everyone was happy. In typically hysterical style, tabloid newspapers were soon trying to whip up a storm of controversy over these already much-loved crisps, claiming it was a disgrace that what they termed "X certificate" snacks were being sold to children. (The X certificate was the film classification for movies suitable only for 18 year olds and over, and hence the usual certificate horror movies got). In true gutter journalism fashion they even managed to find an expert to back up their manufactured outrage. They reported that a Dr James Willis, a psychiatric consultant at Guy's Hospital, had said that "using unpleasant stimuli as a selling line could disturb a child in the same way that a vulnerable youngster can be disturbed by early exposure to sexual things". Of course, whether the good Dr Willis had really taken a strong stand against Horror Bags or had been merely asked a vague but leading  hypothetical question in order to produce a quote for a story in a newspaper with only the vaguest associations with actual news, or indeed the truth, I will leave for you to decide.

Thankfully however this hate campaign against Horror Bags didn't really gain much traction. Most parents thought that the idea that crisps, even spooky shaped ones, could be harmful was frankly a load of old bollocks. Smiths themselves were a tad more diplomatic, issuing a statement that basically stated the real truth, which was "it's good for children to be on fun terms with things that frighten them". The tabloids dropped the matter swiftly and Horror Bags made a turnover of £4 million quid that year. thanks for the free advertising suckers!

Andspeaking of advertising,  here's the TV ad announcing a new abominable addition to the line!

The Horror Bags Vampire - who was actually meant to be Dracula himself - was played there by Frank Thornton, better known as Captain Peacock in long running BBC sitcom Are You Being Served. Now there were a whole series TV ads for Horror Bags, and many more running in the pages of UK comics. And one of the things that make Horror Bags so fondly remembered was the long line of mail order give-aways and offers Smiths produced to help promote the brand. And next time we will be taking a look at some of these gleefully ghoulish giveaways and learning how Horror Bags gained a stable mate who would provide to be their nemesis!

THE 'ORRIBLE 'OUSE OF TERRIBLE OLD TAT #23 - Once Upon a Time in Freezer Far Far Away...

Welcome once again dear fiends to the 'Orrible 'Ouse of Terrible Old Tat! Well, those little brats, I mean, all your little darlings are heading back to school, and hence summer is officially coming to a close. However before autumn begins we've just got time for one last delve in the chiller cabinets of days gone by for a last helping of ice lolly history!

Now then we'd been looking at the rise, fall and the rise again of the branded lolly, that is to say, those icy confections conjured up to bear the name of a popular franchise in the ever-desperate war to prise the pennies out of poppets' pockets everywhere. Now of course, in the late '70s came a property whose branding was legendary and unleashed wave after wave of must-have merch. I speak of course, of the hallowed first coming of Star Wars, that delirious time when while the Force might have been with you, the tie-in tat most definitely was!

George Lucas's homage to golden age SF, that space adventure that out flashed Gordon, didn't actually hit England until the start of 1978. But despite being in the depths of the British winter, Lyons Maid still rushed out a tie-in ice, and hence in February 1978, the Star Wars lolly was released. This was a chocolate iced lolly with a chocolate flavour coating (double choc, nice!) and topped with starry white sugar balls. An intergalactic space taste sensation that could be yours for a mere 10p!

But the magic didn't end there, for this lolly saw Lyons Maid wheeling out a gimmick that they had successfully deployed a couple of years earlier with their King Kong tie-in lolly. But this time said gimmick was bigger and better! For the Star Wars lolly came with a free mask... And not just one mask but a range to collect! And if you did collect them all, and you still have them all in decent nick, well done, as they go for an absolute fortune now! Also the reverse sides of the wrapper featured illustrations and text detailing all the then new and weird looking characters in this exciting new movie. Hence kids could learn who Darth Vader, Chewbacca, C3PO, and R2D2 were, plus get the low down on Tuskan Raiders and Stormtroopers!

The following year, another blockbuster was touching down in British cinemas during the winter months. Yes, this was quite a common occurrence back then, as generally the UK got movies some six months after their US release in the '70s and early '80s, hence the Christmas/New Year season was when all the big movies came out over here. And once again, despite it not being the season to enjoy in a freezing cold snack, Lyons Maid once again had bagged a big brand - this time Superman: The Movie! Hence in January 1979 Superman lolly flew into the freezers. Priced at 10p, the lolly itself was a very simple cola flavoured frozen juice affair. However its big selling point was that said cola flavoured ice was frozen around plastic sticks that bore the carven likenesses of Superman and his friends and foes! OK, that should be moulded not carved, but you get the idea! Once again there was a range to collect, this time 12 in all, pictured below!

Somewhat less explicable, is the other tie-in lolly we got in June 1979 - the  Happy Days ice lolly. This seems something of an odd choice for branding because by 1979 the show, and indeed Fonzie himself, had already well and truly jumped the shark.  However someone clearly thought it was a good idea, and hence seemingly went all out on the design specs for this lolly. No frozen flavoured ice on a stick here, no sir. The Happy Days lolly promised strawberry flavour ice encasing a chocolate bar centre, and topped with red, white and blue sugar balls. While the spherical sugary topping clearly symbolises the American flag, I haven't the foggiest what strawberry ice around a brown log was meant to evoke. Best not think about it... Anyhow, going for a pricey 19p, the Happy Days lolly didn't last too long, and while it was more ambitious in its construction, in this competitive age you needed a lot more that sugary balls to get ahead.

However arch rivals to Lyons Maid, Walls had much better results with their own branded lolly launched in 1979 - the Incredible Hulk lolly! This was a green (natch) ice affair with red/purple sprinkles on top for reasons that have escaped the best minds of our generation. However the main draw was the fact that each lolly came with a picture card showing the Hulk in action and backed with text on his adventures and powers. All in all there were 20 to collect and great fun all round. Certainly it was far more inspiring than the branded lolly Walls released the following year. Seemingly wanting a slice of the blockbuster action, Walls wrangled a deal with Disney for what they both hoped was the next Star Wars. However that movie turned out to be The Black Hole... And I suspect the fact that Walls didn't seem to bother with any cards, masks or send-offs for this lolly speaks volumes about its box office fortunes...

The end of the year however saw Lyons Maid netting another big brand with a Star Trek lolly beaming down in December 1979. Tie-ing to the Star Trek: The Motionless Picture, the lolly was a good deal more exciting than the movie, coming in a tangy pineapple and orange flavour that would at least keep the kids awake. Better still though, each lolly came with a picture card, with 25 different ones to collect. Plus there was a wall chart to send-off for too! .

Lyons Maid continued their run of big branded bestsellers in 1980, with May that year seeing the launch of a second Star Wars lolly, this time to tie-in with the just released The Empire Strikes Back. This time we were treated to a toffee and mint lolly stickers with the wrapper's front boasting a scary Vader in flames while the reverse had illustrations and text about six leading characters in the movie - Boba Fett, Darth Vader, Lando Calrissian, Princess Leia, Han Solo, and Yoda. However the fun didn't stop there - for each lolly came with a sticker, with a series of 12 to collect.

However the end of the 70s were really the last battles of the Great Ice Lolly Wars. And branded lollies and tie-ins started to disappear. For example, after 1980, Lyons Maid only had one venture into the branded lolly arena with 1984's Banana Man lolly, which boasted a chewy toffee centre but that was about it. For sadly at some point in the rightly accursed 1980s, some evil genius realised that all this chicanery to pick the pockets of children was a mug's game. All this tat cost money to produce after all. And who really paid for these lollies anyway? The parents of course! And so, increasingly lollies and ice cream were marketed to grown ups as luxury product. It was the end of an era. And Darkness and Decay and the Red Death held illimitable dominion over all...

OK, perhaps that was a little overly dramatic! But certainly Obesity, and Adult Onset Diabetes, and Cornettos held illimitable dominion over all...