EXCLUSIVE! The Rapture WILL NOT occur on May 21st 2011

Over the past few days the internet has been all a-buzz with talk that the Rapture is upon us. However, thanks to a freak accident involving an ancient chalice, a Hawkwind LP and a good strong cup of tea in the office this morning, we found ourselves face to face with the Almighty himself!

And not being folk inclined to squander an opportunity, we've seized the chance to inquire about the claims of impending apocalypse being bandied about by Harold Camping... And the Lord of Light graciously answered!

Hypnogoria - Thank you for taking time out to clear this up, oh Lord!

GOD - No problems lads... And knock off the 'oh Lord' business will you? I just can't take that phrase seriously after Life of Brian y'know!

Hypnogoria - Right, sorry! So moving swiftly on... About this prediction of the Rapture and global earthquakes that Mr Camping is making?

GOD - Oh him again! The man is, if you'll forgive the use of popular parlance - a total tool! He's pulled this stunt before!

Hypnogoria - Really?

GOD - Oh yes, previously he claimed Judgement Day was due in 1994. Now what happened there was I sent out a general message on the etheric plane for people to beware of Judgement Night, the movie directed by Stephen Hopkins! And bloody Camping goes and gets the wrong end of the stick! He didn't even get the release date right!

Hypnogoria - Ah! It all becomes clear! But just out of interest, why did you do that? It's not that bad a flick is it?

GOD - It bloomin' well is! Though actually the point of that exercise was to try and halt you lot making Dennis Leary a movie star. He stole Bill Hicks' act! So while I'm not supposed to interfere in the realm of man - it's part of the whole free will deal y'know - but I was buggered if I was going to let that thieving plagiarist get an easy ride!

Hypnogoria -Fascinating! We take it you are a big Bill Hicks fan then?

GOD - Oh yes! He's my favourite Bill after Blake! Very funny man and wise too - his Revelations show has some bang-on-the-nose spiritual insights!

Hypnogoria - Wow! But back to Camping...

GOD - Ah yes, I think what's happened this time is that the wrecked fellow has been eavesdropping on the answers to other folks' prayers! I did advise a bloke in the same area to "watch out for the raptors!" before he watched Jurassic Park! Amazing FX works from Stan Winston in that sequence y'know!

But I've no idea where all this global earthquake nonsense came from! Contrary to popular belief, I'm not actually responsible for everything that happens - again it's part of the free will malarky - you can't have the freedom to do what you please if I'm micromanaging every event that happens! And so the ability to choose your own fates means that much of what goes on is determined by unpredictable chaos maths algorithms. Sometimes it's good, sometimes bad, and much of my job is trying to inspire you lot with solutions for the negative stuff.

And if you think I'd end the world halfway through a Doctor Who two parter you're clinically insane!

Hypnogoria -Blimey! You're a Who fan?

GOD - Absolutely! Well I did say 'the geek will inherit the earth' ... though admittedly that did get misquoted! Seriously though, I do enjoy all marvellous things you lot come with and generally geeks are among my favourite people - they are intelligent, passionate and they share their love with the world in positive ways. That's what the world is for - it's a consensus reality where things - both physical and abstract - can be shared. That's why you lot and me started this whole project!

Hypnogoria -Really?!?

GOD - Hmm, might be jumping the gun a bit there... Look, you lot will figure it out soon enough as soon as you start seeing the Universe as a projection from quantum infinity and start thinking about it as energy in four dimensions... But I'll give you clue now to be going on with... The reason why everything doesn't always make sense is that THE UNIVERSE ISN'T FINISHED YET!

Hypnogoria - Crivens! So what you are saying is that you DIDN'T make everything in seven days and that actually it's a work in progress?

GOD - In a Word - yes! And don't get me started on the Creationists! Bloody hell, if you're going to take the Bible as literally true - which I don't recommend by the way, haven't these people heard of metaphors and symbolism? - it clearly says that I created the Sun on Day Four so obviously my 'day' isn't the same time period as the 24 hours it take Earth to orbit Sol! As Albert says Time is relative!

I get very annoyed y'know by beardy weirdies distorting what I said!

Hypnogoria -You know we always suspected that was the case!

GOD - Indeed! All I've ever tried to tell you lot in all my many guises is simply this - Be excellent to one another! (does celestial air guitar, laughs)

Right I've got to go, I've a fellow in Australia to inspire with a new idea for a comedy show and a big shock for Richard Dawkins to prepare!

Hypnogoria -Thank you very much!