Wednesday, 24 August 2011

If I didn't exist, how would you invent me?

Hmm, tough one!

Well, years of watching horror flicks have informed me that the primary way to create life is sew together corpses and bring the resultant new person to life with the power of what Catweazle used to call 'elec-trickery'.

Now many variations on Baron Frankenstein's methods have been presented over the years, but I'd definitely go with the classic Ken Strickfaden equipment - all whirling dials and Tesla coils and harnessing the power of lightning. There be none of that arsing about with electric eels as seen in Cuddly Ken's mendaciously titled Mary Shelley's Frankenstein (1994) - it's be the power of heavens all the way baby!

What? You don't want to be a suture covered, mute, violent, hulking patchwork beast? Now that's a surprise!

Well, we could use the alternate process of life creation developed by Frankenstein's one-time collaborator, Dr Septimus Pretorious. On the plus side, you'd be fully human, looking normal and have some power of speech. The downside is you'd be only several inches high and have to live in a bell jar...

What? That's a no-no as well? Just think how cheap accommodation would be! No? Still not convinced?

Well, the modern digital era does allow the creation of people with a few mouse clicks. I could very easily make up an entirely new person by opening Facebook, Twitter and Google+ pages... However, you would of course just be what techies call 'a sock puppet' under my control. Not exactly ideal, as I can barely run my own life, let alone some one elses!

And just to be clear, we are ruling out actual physical sock puppets aren't we? That's a shame... I have some nice bits of felt and some natty buttons in my craft box...

Well then, I'm out of answers... Oh hang a minute though... There is this old Arabian style lamp I picked up the other day... I'll just give a rub...

Bingo! One puff of smoke and a big blue fella doing a poor Robin Williams impersonation later, and now you exist! Hurrah!

Hope that is satisfactory! Right must dash, this hyperactive bugger wants another two wishes from me...

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