Wednesday, 16 March 2011

What species of dinosaur are the current political party leaders?

Well Mr Anonymous, now there's a question! And after much bickering, we decided on the following choices...

So cry havoc and unleash the dogs of satire!

Deputy PM and England's best known liar, Nick Clegg would be a brontosaurus! And yes we know that technically these beasts should be called apatosauruses nos jours, but old habits die harder than Bruce Willis.

And why? Well, the brontosaurus turned out to be something of a disappointment didn't it? See not unlike the Lib Dems already eh! Where were we? Oh yeah, brontosaurus = big let down. Because when you first encounter these prehistoric behemoths, you imagine it being something huge,impressive and powerful, fully deserving of the translation of its name 'thunder lizard' .

However contrary to their cinematic appearances, these beasts didn't charge about the place, making the earth shake and scoffing cavemen... Sorry kiddiewinks, Willis O'Brien and Ray Harryhausen lied to you; actually all brontosauruses did was loaf about in foetid swamps, chomping on muck-drenched weeds, and generally doing sod all exciting and/or useful.

Sounds familiar doesn't it! Though many thought Mr Clegg was going to be an impressive, puissant beast in British politics, just under a year as Deputy PM has proved him to be fat, bloated and useless, happy to wallow in the filth of Westminster.

However the similarities don't end there! Where Cleggy most resembles the brontosaurus is here. This dinosaur was once believed to possess a second sub-brain located in its rear quarters - because it was so massive it needed two brains to coordinate it's hefty bulk. The practical upshot of this was, that the brontosaur could happily continue it's business for some time before it eventually realised that predators had eaten it's arse end and was in fact stone dead...

...Just like the Lib Dems, a dead party that has yet to realise that no one is going to vote for them ever again. For demonstrating the same limited brain capacity of a brontosaurus, they can't seem to grasp that blatantly breaking election pledges and lying to the public is political suicide.

But what of the opposition? Well Ed Milliband is clearly an archaeopteryx. The uneasy mix of fowl and reptile mirrors exactly Milliband - neither politically fresh enough for many voters tastes, nor far enough removed from the taint of New Labour to convince either. And so far he's done very little but squawk and flap about ineffectively - almost criminal when the Condems are serving up such a smorgasbord of sticks to beat them with. And just as some palaeontologists have suspected the archaeopteryx fossils might be hoaxes, I'm not entire sure Milliband, or proper credible opposition for that matter, really exists either!

And finally what of our not very beloved at all PM David "Call Me Dave" Cameron? Blatantly a Tryannosaur - a monstrous predator with the brain the size of a pea. Let's face it, only a cerebral cortex smaller than a penny could come up with the Big Society and then introduce legislation that destroyed the very services and organisations that are actually doing what the BS is proposed to do. And having a political vision whose initials are 'BS' doesn't seem terribly smart to us either.

But then again perhaps we're being thick - we didn't have the top draw Oxbridge education Dave and his pack Bullingdon Club T-Rex chums had. No, we had had to study facts and learn how to critically evaluation them, rather than smash up posh restaurants and then write a big fat cheque and avoid charges of criminal damage.

The other week at the Tory spring conference, Call Me Dave made a rousing speech pledging to fight the 'enemies of enterprise' like bureaucrats and the civil service... Apparently his grip on how government works is so poor that he doesn't realise that actually he's in charge of all the red tape. Evidently in the Camersaurus Rex, generations of not doing a proper day's work, has evolved fore arms which are stunted and useless, which would explain why he has such a poor grasp of reality.

Of course, all these beasts will soon be extinct. Socio-political astronomers have sighted a huge comet heading their way...

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